A few months back I wrote a blog that was shared far and wide, called “How I Stopped Hating my Husband.” I highly recommend you read that blog before this one.
This is that story’s sequel.
In America your chances of divorce are about 50/50. No doubt that we live in a time where we throw away all that is broken because we have never been taught how to fix it. In actuality, the problem is that we have never been taught how to fix ourselves.
And then there are the people who don’t divorce, but don’t have the guts to step up and make their marriages better. Again, because they are unwilling to fix themselves.
This advice is for those of you who:
- don’t want to get divorced
- want a strong intimate relationship, and
- are married to a decent human being.
I realize that some of you may be so blinded with your own unhappiness, that you do not even know that you are married to a decent person, so when in doubt, ask your friends and family. They have the answers.
By no means am I trying to convince people to stay in marriages with people that are toxic and destructive. In fact, if everyone that loves you tells you to leave your spouse, please stop reading this blog now. I do not want to give you an excuse to stay.
This is for the millions of couples, with children, who find themselves feeling lost, trapped, unhappy, and lonely.
This if for the angry. The resentful. For those of you who don’t think you can forgive. For those of you living in the pain of the past.
This if for those of you going through a mid-life crisis…
But mostly, it is for those of you who WANT to have a great marriage.
I am here to tell you that you can love your spouse again, even if you feel like divorce is imminent.
This is for those of you who know you need to make your marriage work, but you don’t know how.
This is how….
8 things you must do in order to fall back in love with your spouse
ONE.
Have the courage to step up and make the choice. Stop living in limbo land, stop blaming your spouse, stop being a coward. Love is a verb, it is a choice. Love is not all those hormones and feelings you have when you first meet someone. I promise you that there is no greater act of love than crying, kicking and screaming your way back to someone. Very few people are capable of that type of love. And if you commit to becoming this person who fights for love when all seems lost, you will discover the meaning of life.
“To love someone isn’t just a strong feeling. It is a commitment, a judgement, and a promise.”
TWO.
Love yourself. People don’t realize that it is impossible to love another human being if you do not love yourself. When someone loves themselves, another rarity, it is obvious. The way we treat other human beings, the assumptions we make, the way we talk about people is a direct reflection of how we view ourselves. I find it so sad when I hear people make assumptions about others. Truth be told you are not a mind reader, nor do you know other’s intentions.
YOU only know what your intentions are, and what goes on in YOUR mind.
So remember that next time you make assumptions, you are projecting and telling the world what you think and intend.
When you are loving, compassionate and forgiving towards yourself, you will be this way towards others. When you have good intentions, you assume other’s have good intentions too.
When you try to live up to the world’s impossible expectations, you will hold other’s to that standard as well. Be imperfect, be vulnerable, be yourself and you will find that you can easily empathize and forgive others.
“A man who loves himself takes the first step towards real love.” Osho
THREE.
Stop making it all about you. If you are suffering, you are focused solely on yourself. So stop being a selfish twit. It is not attractive. It’s obnoxious. It is time to step outside your self consumed world, and realize that you are not a victim of it. You, and only you, are responsible for how you think, feel and behave. Your power to make change will come as soon as you take responsibility for this fact.
FOUR.
Fake it until you make it. When we hit our lowest point as a couple, I told my husband I was empty and void of feelings for him. I had become indifferent. Deep down he knew this. Nonetheless, it hurt his heart. So he said “I do not want you to tell me you love me until you do.”
Then the next day he woke up and said “I changed my mind, you have to tell me you love me every single day.” Smart man. Affirmations work.
For those of you who don’t believe they work. I bet you affirm your dislike for your spouse every single day….and you have gotten exactly what you affirm…
FIVE.
Rewrite your story. You can change your past by thinking differently about it. In fact, it is the only way to change anything in life. Learn from your suffering. Learn from your challenges and take responsibility for your life. It is never one person’s fault when a marriage fails. So stop thinking you did it everything right, and stop playing the helpless victim.
This means asking yourself things like “how did I contribute to this problem? What could I have done differently? Did I make assumptions that were wrong? Did I give my spouse the benefit of the doubt? Did I consider what challenges my spouse was going through? Was I treating my spouse how I wanted to be treated?”
As soon as I took responsibility for my role in my past, my story was rewritten. And I was able to powerfully respond to my life, and change everything.
“We spend our life seduced by the outside world, convinced that happiness and suffering come from ‘out there.’ Yet happiness and suffering come from the way we perceive and interpret things, not the things themselves.” Robina Cortin
SIX.
Change your thinking. Chances are if you have an unhappy marriage you spend a lot of time thinking about all the things you don’t like about your spouse. This too is a choice. When I realized I was doing this, I made a point to think back on what made me fall in love with my husband in the first place. And when I did that, I realized he still had all those qualities that I loved way back when. So I made a point to focus on the things I loved about him because there were many.
And the more I focused on his wonderful traits, the more I found. It is true, what you focus on grows.
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer
SEVEN.
Decide who you want to be as a couple. My husband and I went to counseling for months. Each time we went, I would cry about something in the past. At the same time, I was studying to be a coach, and I realized that the only way to move forward, was to move forward. We knew what our issues were, we had already discussed them countless times. We knew what choices got us into the situation we were in. So I told my husband I wanted to stop going to counseling. We made a commitment to let go of the past. We instead sat down and decided to talk about what we both wanted as a couple.
This set the stage for living in the present, and building a different future.
EIGHT.
Prioritize the relationship. Go on dates. Flirt with each other. Laugh. Hold hands.
Take care of yourself so you feel good about yourself. Have separate interests so that you remain interesting to one another. Travel.
Spend time as a family. And have sex. Lots of sex.
This last part is for those of you so caught up in yourself that you think you don’t want to make it work.
You are flirting with disaster, and you need a reality check. Trust me, I was there. You need to hear this.
Your kids will suffer tremendously, and life is hard enough.
Holidays, birthdays, graduations will never be the same again.
Think about what your kid’s weddings will be like. You on one side with your new spouse, and your ex on the other with his.
Think about your future grandchildren. Think about having to deal with your new spouse’s offspring, and his/her future grandchildren.
Think about your kids living in a house with another man, or another woman.
Make sure you are in a good place, because you will attract people just like you. Is that a good thing? Only you know that.
Also remember that whatever issues you have in this current relationship, you will carry to another. Life will bring you the same circumstances until you learn your lesson. You can walk away from a marriage, but you can’t walk away from yourself. This may be why the second marriage divorce rate is 67% and third marriage divorce rate is 73%.
Ask yourself this “if I cannot make it work with someone I share so much with (history, children, extended family and friends), what makes me think that I can make it work with someone else?”
The irony is that so many people get divorced because they are “not happy, or not in love.” Yet, truth be told, happiness, love and great marriages are not accidental or random. They are intentional choices that we all make. The first step towards creating the marriage of your dreams, is accepting this fact.
Great blog. Thank you Cindy. You have inspired me to take a hard look at me self.
Your article brought tears into my eyes and forcing me to think what exactly do I need out of this my 8 years of lifeless marriage. Thank you for your so very genuine feelings and emotions.
Caught up in yourself….
What about the person who tried all those things, flirting, date nights several times a week, vacations, initiated sex etc but still got no where. I know my husband loves me but what if I am not happy with his way of loving. I’m being restricted. Couldn’t it be we just are not good together? How do you force something or expect someone to change when that’s who they are? We speak completely different love languages. I have tried to read our love letters, go down memory lane, look at pictures….nothing. I feel nothing. I’m tired of how we love each other. I feel like we’re just friends that’s it. Not sure what else I’m supposed to do. But obviously in people’s eyes I’m wrong for feeling this way. I need to stay for my kids and grandkids. What about me? What about him? Is it fair to either to be unhappy? Guess I’m caught up in myself…..
Angie- You deserve to be happy and you need to do what is right for you. I cannot tell you if you should stay or go, I really do not know your situation. I can just share my story and why I stayed and made it work. My book may help you make a decision, but I can’t say anything for sure. You can get my book here if you want it https://amzn.to/35zB9JJ.
That being said. Think about these things… What DID you love about your husband? Let’s say you get divorced, what character traits or qualities would you look for in another partner? Make a list. Does your husband demonstrate these traits or are you realizing he does not have the qualities you find are important in a partner? Having different “love languages” is common, its knowing what they are that is important. Everyone can change if they WANT to change. But you can only change yourself.
My recommendation is to read my book and think long and hard about what you want and then just make a decision one way or another. I hope my book can help you decide. Thanks for reaching out, I wish you the best.
You sound exactly like me! I’m curious how your situation is today. I’m so stuck right now. Married to a great guy, but still feel like we are only friends. It’s very lonely emotionally.
Hi Michelle- my situation today is wonderful. My relationship is happy and healthy. As our kids fly the nest (we have one in college and the other is senior in HS) we are very much looking forward to our next half of life. Wondering where we will live next, where we will travel, how many dogs we will have :). I have to stress that these things are not about will power or convincing yourself to endure a relationship- they are about actually CHANGE. I’m
A different person today than I was For those 10 yrs. I focus on different things, read different things, approach issues with a different mindset. Im a much more fulfilled and empowered person now. No more voids, resentment or anger inside of me. That’s what change requires, a different mind and approach to life. And it encompasses all aspects of life, not just your relationship. Hope that helps!
Cindy
I completely agree with you. I’m at this point now. What if I didn’t really fall in love with you my husband is as a person? What if I fell in love with how he made me feel? And then later he started making me feel bad about myself? What if our foundations is weak and crumbly. Am is supposed to spend a lifetime fighting SO HARD to make it work? What if there’s something out there that’s easier? More meant for me?
Your experience is totally different from mine, so you do not need to compare yourself to my story. You have your own story and path. I wrote my book to explain my situation. Unlike you, I was madly in love at the beginning and we had a long history together. My issue was I let stress, children, poor communication, resentment, mistakes, etc consume me. No marriage is EASY, that is for sure. But if you do not have a strong foundation, if you never loved him that is a very different circumstance. I hope that helps.
So thankful I saw your comment.. I feel the exact same way. All of my family members think I’m being unfair, etc.. but it’s difficult being in a marriage when you know it doesn’t feel right. And I’m still here because I have held on to the thoughts of when my kids marry, etc.
Do you mind giving me an update on where you are now? Still married or did you take that leap of faith and go with your conscience? Are you happy?
Hi! I am responding to this from the back end of my website. I cannot see our original communication so I dont recall your situation. Do you know that I finally wrote my book about this? It is called “How I stopped hating my husband.” You can get it on Amazon. Here is the link. https://amzn.to/2LAsItl
You will understand from the book that I am really happy. I am so glad that I did the work on my marriage, but mostly on myself. I am a different person now, I feel awakened. I have a growth mindset, always looking inside, always thinking about my thinking, my emotions, and self correcting when necessary. My husband and I are about to be empty nesters! Well, our youngest in going to college next year, and we are so excited about the next half of our life talking about travel, and moving to a new place. It’s exciting. I am so glad I did the work, it made me a better person. Anyway, read my book if you want to learn more. Good luck. Cindy
What if I never really loved my husband in the first place, I know I shouldn’t have married him but he was so persistent and I was young and loved the dream of having a family, thinking that would be enough. But I know it was a mistake, he’s a great dad and does a lot for us but I’m not attracted to him physically or emotionally. I’ve stayed all this time for the children but it’s making me so unhappy.
Cindy I have been in a very bad mess with my life and reading your article clarified everything so clearly for me. You literally pointed out all what I am going through in your article.
I am so glad it helped!
This article saved my marriage this evening
That makes me happy. Thank you for the comment.
You nailed it.
Finding this in 2019 almost 2020 and thank you!!! You have inspired me to look at myself as well… I always thought I didn’t play the victim but I realized nope I do!! I am ready to make these changes. We don’t have kids but we have a 14 year history that we stuck through 2/3rds not even married and the full time with no kids. Nothing was making us stay but us. And now we have hit a lot of problems. I do realize I am to blame at least for half of it. I was so sick of him and blamed him for so much and held a lot of resentment. Your steps really are key and I thank you for giving me this blog post to find what I needed to make changes.
Hi! I am so happy you found my shared experience helpful. If you need any more ideas about how I made the necessary changes to love my husband again, my book tells all! I think you will find it even more inspiring than this blog. You can get it on Amazon. Here is the link. https://amzn.to/2LsgYpd
Cindy
My husband cheated on me for 60% of our marriage. He stopped cheating and did so good but then about 2 years into our “new” relationship he went back to being critical and I have realized I’m not in love anymore. I’m not attracted to him & once I told him how I feel- he is back to doing the things I’ve always needed from him but it feels temporary and I’m not convinced it’s enough to make me fall back in love. I tell him I love him daily… because I do. Over the last several years I made myself have sex because I know intimacy is important in a marriage- especially for him. There was always so much pressure to have sex. I just feel like I can’t do it anymore. He’s a great father and over the last couple of weeks has been a great husband but I don’t think it’s enough anymore… any advice?
You have in a difficult spot indeed. Do I believe you can love him again, yes. But is it worth it given his inconsistent treatment and cheating? That is the decision you have to make. Will he change, for good? I recommend reading my book and then making the decision. I wrote it to help people understand what I did to fall back in love with my husband, but I also wrote it to help differentiate my relationship from others. Some marriages should be saved, others are not. Ultimately, you know your situation far better than I do and have to make that decision. I just recommend thinking it all through. If nothing else, he will continue to be the father of your children, and a good friendship is a must if the marriage ends. Hope that helps.
I went through this. I had an affair and thought I wanted to leave my spouse. The affair felt like fantasy, but when I realized everything that I was going to loose, and that my wife was actually an amazing person I began to snap out of it. It was difficult at first, but I began to focus on the positives and then my love began to grow once again for my wife. We are now having the best time in our marriage. It made us stronger because I believe we learned how to “really” love each other. Affairs are fantasy not reality.
Thank you for sharing your experience. So glad that you and your wife worked through it. Your insight can probably help a lot of people, so I appreciate your transparency.
Douglas J, what made you realise that the affair was not worth it? Had you left your wife at any point during the affair? I am in your wife’s position at the moment and my husband has actually left me and is living with his affair partner, claiming that our marriage is over. What made you return to your wife?
I just went through the same exact thing with my husband. Had an emotional affair with a guy I met online. Now realize it was all just a fantasy, that caused me to drift even further from my partner. Anyone having an emotional affair please think about this. In an affair you usually see only the best side of the other person and the grass will seem so much greener on the other side that it will make y ou delusional.
Oh my goodness, thank you. I’m sobbing in the bathroom reading this. Thank you thank you thank you. I needed the reality check at the bottom so badly. I don’t want my marriage to be over, our daughter is 18 months old. I’m only at the beginning of the lifeless marriage I swore I’d never have, so we’re not going to have it. I’ve been focusing so much on what he needs to do to fix it, but I need to be involved too. Thank you.
Dear Sam-
I am so glad this helped. Yes, your marriage requires both of you, and you only have power to change yourself.
Very wise advise Cindy.
So happy to gave met you.
I have been going through divorce since my husband of about 4 years left me for another woman, during the process he left me, everything went from better to worse. I suffered serious heart break during this process i was trying to get him back to my life, because he was my soulmate. I came accross Dr Eddy when i was surfing the internet and reading some reviews on how to restore a good relationship and how to maintain your marriage, and i decided to email him and share all my worries to him. And he did promised me that after 2 days that my husband will come back to me not only to come back to me but to stay with me and love and cherish me only, i was so surprised because i never beleived that he can do it. Shockingly he words came through just as he promised me, and my husband came back to me with lots of love, and we both now love and cherish each other and i beleived our love is going to last forever. contact Dr Eddy when you are in the same problem and i guarantee that he will help you. Email: dreddyspiritualtemple@gmail.com Tel: +23408160830324. Pauline S.
This post shows all the things I’ve done since my wife left. It has made me a better me for my children. I throw my self a pity party at the start and your blog has helped reaffirmed what I’ve started doing. Thank you for this.
Thank you! I read both blogs. How I stopped hating my husband….I felt like I was reading my own story, and now this blog, the tears won’t stop, I started to look ok at my self before I read this, but now I’m looking harder. I’m hopefull.
I am glad you liked the blogs. Be hopeful because you can change anything you want to change about yourself. If your husband is a decent man, and you encounters problems along the way and “fell out of love,” know that you stopped acting out love. Like me, you probably felt hurt, got resentful, and essentially shut down your love, to protect yourself. To love is to act loving. Just WANTING to work it out and working at it is an act of love. You’ve got this!
Amazing blogs thank you. Do you actually feel in love again now ? Did your feelings return? I know you are explaining its not a feeling but things must have got better for you ?
Also did you stop finding your husband “pysicLly attractive”
Claire- I hated him. There was so much resentment, anger, pain, hurt, that I seethed.
The difference is profound. I changed myself, and it changed everything in my life. The void and emptiness that I felt for so long, was never about my husband, it was about my approach to my life. I expected that if I followed all of the cultural rules, college, job, marriage, kids, house etc, I would be so happy. I had everything I planned for, worked for and wanted, right? I expected my husband to be a source of my happiness, like he was when we first fell in love. But that is not how happiness works. Happiness really is an inside job. No one and nothing can fill us up. Our mindset creates our life. There is more to this, so much more, and I have decided to write a book about all of it. I get so many emails about this blog of people desperate for help. I love that so many people want to save their marriages, and I think a book with a deeper explanation will help people help themselves.
Cindy,
When will your book that you refer to be released? I would love to read it.
Right now I am looking for a publisher and also exploring the self publishing world. It will take less time if I self publish, so I am going to move in that direction while still exploring other avenues. Stay tuned!
Cindy- what if your husband went through a phase where he wasn’t verbally and borderline physically abusive and then did a 180. Once the trust and respect is lost how is it regained? Even now with his transformation I feel as though I can let go of these issues as a person who’s known him but not as a wife. Everytime I read an article like this I want to convince myself I need to see things differently but I can’t regain my faith in him. I want to start fresh with someone who treats me with respect from day one. Even though my husband has made major efforts to move past what we had gone through (even more so after our 2 year old was born) I cannot find myself loving him again. It’s very difficult because I want to do the right thing for my daughter and don’t want him to hurt.
Correction above* where he WAS verbally and borderline physically abusive.
Rewritten: realized there were too many typos sorry!!!
*******
Cindy- what if your husband went through a phase where he was verbally and borderline physically abusive and then did a 180. Once the trust and respect is lost how is it regained? Even now with his transformation I feel as though I can let go of these issues as a person who’s known him for 14 years (net at 18) but not as a wife and a woman dedicated to him. Every time I read an article like this I want to convince myself I need to see things differently but I can’t regain my faith in him. I want to start fresh with someone who treats me with respect from day one. Even though my husband has made major efforts to move past what we had gone through (his dark period was the worst even after our 2 year old was born) I cannot find myself loving him again. I feel like he ruined a very important time in my life when I was postpartum. It’s very difficult because I want to do the right thing for my daughter and don’t want him to hurt. We have shared many memories and milestones but I want to know him as a friend not as a spouse. I am in limbo as you say.
Hi Claire, is it? My system recognizes you as Claire, I hope that is correct. Anyway. Thank you for your comment and questions. I can feel your struggle and I am sorry that you are experiencing pain. I have to be honest, this is not a situation that I am comfortable commenting on. The verbal and “borderline physical abuse” puts your experience in a different category than mine. I am very happy to hear that your husband has done a 180, that is very important in considering your options. You are tied to this man for the rest of your life because of your child and his 180 change is a must because of that. You seem to know what you want though….”I want to start fresh with someone who treats me with respect from day one….I want to know him as a friend, not as a spouse.” Have you considered therapy together? If nothing else to help you through this process, to help him to understand his anger (even if he seems to have dealt with it). Limbo is the worst place to be, it is apathetic, and you can get stuck there. My suggestion would be to see a counselor together because whether your divorce or stay together, the issues need to be worked through for the sake of your child. He will have him/her alone while you share custody, and divorce is an extremely stressful experience that will trigger lots of negative emotions, which can result in negative behaviors. I hope that helps a little. To pull yourself out of limbo, you just need to make a decision. I wish I could help you more. Good luck. Cindy
Hello Cindy, I have been dating my boyfriend of 2 years and recently for the past 2 months I started doubting my feelings for him to the point that I feel and truly believe I don’t love him anymore. Do you think following this steps could help us?
Hi Maria – I would advise you to think about why you would want to save the relationship and what has led you to fall out of love in such a short time..
I have, but an issue that I noticed is that I overthink about everything so much because I want that feeling with him badly again.
My husband has cheated countless times, online & with prostitutes & randoms. After alot of counselling, I still feel like I’m waiting for the last mistake so I can leave. Am I being selfish for fantasizing about a life without him & leaving a ‘decent man’ or am I being smart and taking care of myself for wanting to leave?
You are being smart! Although, I do believe that people can and do change, they have to actually create the change in themselves. If he has or is working on changing, you will know it, it will be obvious, because the behavior is totally different. Change requires accountability, and it requires consistent and deliberate attention to the new desired behavior. It sounds as if your husband is going through the motions, but not actually changing. You have done your part it seems.
In my case after 13yrs and 3 kids togther.he proposed after 4months of hes proposal he changed hes mind and he s changing i do love him. But the way he’s acting he s pushing me away with he s acts .1 week ago he said he loves me and hes in love with me but im not in he s heart..that was so heart breaking for me that im starting to shut down my love for him.i dont want to hurt any more
I am sorry to hear of your suffering. I understand that you love him and want it to work. If he is willing to try, these ideas should help you. I know it is not a lot of detail, and it involved much more than one blog to provide, but this is a start. I wish you all the best. You are strong and you deserve a loving relationship.
This has happened to me, 18yrs and two children and he walked out, no explanation nothing. We’ve tried counselling but he says it doesn’t work, he is so negative and doesn’t think he can fall back in love.
I wish either my ex wife or myself would have found this sight before she walked away from a 30 year marriage into the arms of another man. Very blessed of you Cindy in the words you are sending out there.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I really am. I appreciate your comment. Sending you strength at this difficult time..
My husband and I have been together 24 years, married 18. We have 2 kids who are 11 and 13. We have had many problems and he has left me for a year and came back when I got cancer. He has now recently left again, there wasn’t a warning just one day left. We were not happy, but I didnt expect that. Our life is hard,I love him so much. He cares about me, but doesn’t want to be married. We got into a horrible routine, he worked and I did all the kids stuff and home things. We both ended up resenting each other and never spoke about anything. Now that he left I realize that I was not good to him, I took him for granted. We had no sex life, no relationship. Change is hard for me, but I know what I need to do. The problem is that he feels the damage is done and wants to divorce. I know in my heart it’s not the right thing to do. I just don’t know how to get him to try after he’s already checked out. I’m so heartbroken, I love him so much.
Jessica – I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I wish I could offer some help or hope but each situation and individual is unique, and there is no one size fits all for these things. You are parents together, so you have to talk and stay in touch so keep the communication open and amicable. Wishing your strength and clarity during these tough times. My best to you.
Hi Jessica Sloan. Not sure if you will get this message, but I was wondering what happenebd with your marriage? I hope all went well for you.
Very insightful read. Gave me tears in my eyes. Its really possible to revive lost bliss.
OMGee, i typed something similar into Google and found your blogs…you are speaking my life! After some 23yrs married, i am struggling daily with the ‘indifference’ i feel toward my husband. We have had several significant events (not infidelity) shape our married life (to be honest, its a miracle that we have made it this far). So, so glad i found your blogs – can’t wait for your book. The eight points above speak volumes to me – actually felt a sparkle inside reading them – finally a little glimmer of hope for us because he is simply the most wonderful man. Any further words privately would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Hi Tracy- Thank you for the message, I am so glad this blog gave you a glimmer of hope! It is so hard for me to respond to people that find themselves where I was many years ago. There is SO much that I did to bring myself back, and renew my relationship with my husband, that I cannot be summarized in a blog or a message. But I will say that any change in life has to start with each of us 1. Deciding to change and 2. then exploring BOTH our thoughts and our emotions. We cannot change our behaviors until we change the way we think and feel, this goes with any change. Ask yourself “what” not “why.” A chapter in my book is about how we all think we are self aware because we know “why” we feel a certain way. “My husband hurt me, therefore, I shut down emotionally, and over time it just turned to indifference.” That “why” is not necessarily helpful as it merely affirmed my position and choices. I played the victim role, and although I knew exactly why I felt the way I did, it did nothing but keep me resentful and apathetic. The better question is “what do I feel. What do I think. And are these thoughts and emotions serving me, my life, and my relationship? And what can I do to change those thoughts and feelings that are keeping me from loving, and are keeping me stuck in this unhealthy pattern?” What questions are less emotional and more empowering. Why questions can tell us a lot, but they keep us in the past, and rarely help us move forward. That is the simplest advice I can give you in a message! Hope that helps.
Hi tracy..
My wife has just told me that her feelings have changed twards me after 13 years of marriage,we have two children 8 and 5.
I love my wife dearly from the first date and I’m desperate for her to come back to me.
To cut a long story short the signs have been there over the last two years.
Our sex life has declined she has no interest in sex and she’s pushing me away
I’m 49 and my wife’s 43
She feels that she has been the engine in the family and she can’t do it anymore.bringing up 2 children has strained our relationship as we never took care of our needs as a couple.we had a talk and I said that I would take all the burdens that she’s carrying and take care of them.
I’m going away for a week with my children to give her space. She’s very down and I feel that she resents me for not acting upon the signs.
I forwarded this blog to her and she started crying and told me to leave her alone,I asked her to read it when she can,as it’s relevant to our situation.
I hope i havent pushed her further away.
I think the info in this blog is priceless and I hope my dear wife reads it and resanates with it.
I’m not giving up on my marridge I will fight to the end to save it.
I know it can be a long process, If she meets me half way we have a chance..
If you have any advice for me I would be very grateful
Thanks.
Mike
I feel for you Mike!
I hope you have fixed this and you are still with your wife.
I was going through the same thing as your wife, and i understand how she feel and also understand you as my partner felt the same as you.
But i fought the negative feelings and now am feeling much better and still working on our relationship. The negative thought and feelings need to heal from your wife’s head. she needs time and help.
I have been married for 28 years. We have both made mistakes which led to distance and loss of trusting eachother with our hearts.
My major issue is his lack of empathy. In the past if I tried to talk about how I felt, he would leave the house, or try to shut me down by getting angry and saying hurtful things.
I had a break down 5 years ago party due to anxiety of having to keep my feelings in so I wouldn’t upset him. Sadly our children have very rarely seen us be affectionate but have seen many poor examples of communication or lack there of. When zi was suicidal I ended up calling a neighbor while he watched TV in the other room. My sister came out to help me and she is the one who took me to the hospital.
During couples therapy (we have been to two therapists and he is on his best behavior there) he said he was unhappy in the marriage and that is why he was apathetic. When I came back home I only talked to him about “buisness”, ie finances and the kids. He occasionally watches porn and doesn’t get why I care even though I have told him why many times. Due to thos I lost interest in sex.
He said we didn’t have a marriage because I wasn’t participating or being sexual. I know living with a depressed spouse can’t have been easy for him. But I have been very active in therapy, medication treatments, exercising and trying to stay sane. I am now at a point where I want to try my best so if it doesn’t work I can say I did. I have complimented him, rubbed his back, his feet. Planned weekends away, tried to support his ideas for the future and initiated sex. I joke around and it’s like he refuses to laugh with me. It feels so good when my friends and family, even strangers respond to my humor. It hurts that he is almost dead to it. He seems grateful, but I haven’t seen much in return. And he is still not empathetic regarding my emotional issues. If I cry because I am anxious, he will ask why with an edge in his voice, then say “why would you cry over that”. When he questions my emotional responses I say gently,”this is who I am now.” I still don’t feel I can 100% be myself with him. wants to move out of state when he retires in 5 years. I am still not feeling emotionally safe (trusting that he will be there for me if I get severely depressed again).
I am struggling to continue to put my heart out there with no return. The odd thing is he always refers to our future with me in it. I get confused by that. If he doesn’t enjoy my company, why would he stay. especially because just staying really isn’t making an effort to improve our relationship. I am 58 and feel disheartened that we have not been able to really love and be vulnerable to eachother our entire marriage. I am trying to improve that by being a better wife, a better person. But if I can’t get to a place where I feel emotionally safe and just a bit appreciated and know he enjoys my company occasionally, I am not sure I can give another 10-20 years of my life to him. But I am an adult if divorced parents and I know how it hurt me, even though my parents had a very unhealthy relationship for many years.
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Stacey-
You’ve been married a long long time. Clearly you have been through a lot together. It is really difficult for me to give advice through a message like this, your message leaves me with far more questions than answers. On the topic of empathy, are you sure your husband lacks empathy, or is your husband a typical male that feels like he needs to fix everything? Women often like to express how they are feeling, men do not seem to understand that we only want them to listen. Instead, men feel like we want them to solve our problems. Maybe he runs away from these conversations because he feels hopeless about being able to help? Maybe you need to explain to him, that you just want him to listen, and give you hug and be there for you. That you do not expect him to have solutions.
Sounds like you are putting in some effort and maybe he is resentful of you? You need to find out how he is feeling. You both need to express yourselves to each other. He seems like he is struggling too. You need to be empathetic to his feelings, just like you want him to be empathetic to yours. We often get what we give, maybe he doesn’t feel like he can ever have emotional issues because that is your territory, and he needs to remain strong for you? Again, I do not know, I am just trying to throw some different ideas out there that you may be able to work with. From what you describe, he is angry and distant but he is also still there, and talks of the future, so he does not seem to want to leave. There is a lot of distance between you two and you need to try to mend that by talking, by asking him how he feels too. That is all I can come up with from your message. I wish you luck! Cindy
I mean Cindy not tracy
Sorry for the mistake
Mike
I needed this. I really did. I’m crying trying to get ready for work. My husband and I have been with each other off and on since we were 11. First kids at 8. And now we are 39 with a 5 year old and I’m really pondering divorce and how unhappy i am etc.. this was great. I read the other blog you said to read. I have not only googled to stop hating my husband. I joined Facebook groups! I too do everything. I exclusively breastfed and I was so jealous he didnt have to do anything and he could eat every meal hot and fresh. I was starving. I do all the laundry and cooking and shopping and cleaning. He does not even buy gifts for me or others. My job. I’m realizing how jealous and mad I am he gets all the play time with my son. I never spend time with him. Yea I’m home all day with jim when I’m not working but I’m doing laundry and cleaning and cooking etc… I’m really in need of self reflection. Thank you.
Im married to my bestfriend not a loveinterest
A really interesting read and actually find some of the comments and responses really helpful. I’m totally there and really need/want to get my marriage back to something! Now we co habit and raise kids together. I will be working through your points, but the last comment the sex just makes me feel sick, I just can’t do it, zero attraction, zero desire, I dislike sex generally and I can’t bear to be touched by him at all. I have yet to unpack the past as you mentioned and take responsibility, but I feel like the sex is such a blocker on my part.
Do you think I have any kind of hope here if I start to unpack stuff or am I just too far gone? I just feel a bit at my wits end.
Do what you can with the advice, you don’t have to accomplish it all at once. The sex issue is personal one, especially since you say you generally don’t like it. There are many many people that have problems with sex and intimacy and that is much more a function of our beliefs/upbringing/experiences than it is the person we are with. Sex is important to most people and creates strong human connection, and intimacy and can often unlock feelings of repression but I’m certainly not going to say people cannot exist happily without it. If that’s something you WANT for your relationship, yes, I believe that can be fixed as well. Trust me, I was repulsed too for a long time, but my husband and I had a great physical relationship for years prior to having children. For now, try holding hands, sitting closely on the couch, flirting, laughing. Those things are bonding too..
Your thoughts truly hit home. After 25 years together (17 married) and two kids (one with a disorder that has rocked our family as a whole) I don’t know how to keep my marriage together. I know I am focusing too much on things from the past, but isn’t the past what has gotten us to where we are now and how we feel? About a year ago, when I started to feel like my marriage was actually coming to an end, from my point of view anyway, I decided to focus on me for a change. I got into physical better health, hoping it would make my mind stronger. I took the time to make a trip with friends to get away. I told myself it was time to be honest about things, whether that hurt others or myself. I was tired of smoothing things over all the time or taking the blame for his mistakes. He has anger issues which have caused myself and my children great pain. He also lied quite often about certain matters, which hurt because I didn’t understand if he loved me, why he lied so much. And I never received apologies for any of it. We have been living like roommates for a while now. It’s not how I want to live. It’s not fair for either of us or our children to live this way. I couldn’t tell you the last time he hugged me or held my hand. Sure, until just recently, we still had sex but certainly weren’t intimate. I know I should be more of an initiator in this department (that has been his complaint for years), and tried many times to be so, even be spontaneous. But now….even though I crave intimacy, it feels awkward to even think about. Even though I think I want to save my marriage, I have to be honest that I’m not attracted to him and almost everything he does annoys me. This is all damaging to myself, to him, and to our children. I don’t hate him and I want him to be happy. But I don’t know if we can reconnect. Aren’t there times when things just don’t work out? And that you have to be honest about it just not working anymore? I hate to break up my family, but (being the child of divorced parents) I also told myself I would never stay married just for the kids. Twenty-five years is a long time together. Yes, there have been good times, and we still have good moments. But I certainly can’t live this way for another 25 years. I am broken, stuck, heartsick, and so much more.
It sounds like you have a lot to think about. Yes, of course, some people should get divorced and are better off apart. Having little information it is not easy for me to comment. I definitely do not think the lying, anger, and lack of apologies are a good sign for your husband or relationship. If he cannot come to terms with those things, then you will most likely continue on this path. Make an effort to talk to him, talk to him about all of this, tell him you are thinking about whether you should get divorced. Just be honest, and see where it goes. I hope that helps a little bit….
We have talked. And I have been completely honest that I have considered leaving. He seems sad about this, and says he loves me and will do anything. He most recently said he had some suicidal thoughts. Of course, I now blame myself for that, even though I know I shouldn’t. He said he needs counseling. But it has been 3-4 weeks since the conversation, and he still hasn’t put anything into place. He all of a sudden acts happier. But I still feel the same way. I don’t feel happier just because he is. I think in my mind we are already done, I just haven’t made that final decision to end it. I’ve always been one of those people who doesn’t give up easily, but also don’t make decisions well. I just wish I could find a way to come to terms with things so my heart can start to heal.
If you have trouble making decisions it is because you need to define your values When we are indecisive, it means we are not clear about what we want in our lives and what is most important to us. This is actually the first chapter of my book, and first step. Define your values. I can tell, like me, one of your values, is commitment, which is why you don’t give up easily. You probably lived a life having finished pretty much everything you started, and now you are conflicted because you identify with being a committed person, yet you are thinking of giving up on your marriage. So, what else do you value? Who do you want to be as a result of your decision, and which decision will get you there.
Cindy,
I am hoping you can give me advice. I want to love my husband again so desperately. We argued about 15 months ago and I just felt something go. We have been struggling with wider family issues, deaths, his Mum diagnosed with cancer, my has had a stroke, his brother got divorced. The argument was about about him not feeling included in a trip I had organised to see my elderly grandmother. It seems so trivial writing this now. But I now feel anxious around him. I am trying your steps. We still have a good sex life, we cuddle and touch all the time but I can’t stop thinking that I’m not sure whether I still love him. I check for feelings all the time. We do talk, I expressed that I’m not feeling confident or motivated but I do not want to hurt him. I do not want a divorce- even writing that word makes me feel sick. We have two fantastic teenager kids, who we both adore. I wondered whether you have any more advice? I want to be calm, confident and myself again with him.
Jane- Thank you for your message. You certainly have SO much more than many marriages. It is difficult for me to give advice like this. I wonder about your argument 15 months ago. Did something feel so bad that you shut down? If that is the case, you need to understand that situation, combined with everything else you have going on, has probably put you in a self protection mode. Are you numb? Understand that you cannot numb yourself to pain, without numbing yourself to joy, love, and gratitude. You cannot discriminate against emotions, it is all or nothing. In order to love again, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable again, walk through the pain. It sounds like he and your family are worth what it will take to work your way back to him. I hope that helps.
Hi Cindy! I stumbled on your blog (and the prior one about hating your husband) through a similar Google search. Yes a past similar to yours, from what I can tell. Married 12 years, problems began when I was pregnant with my second child. Definitely some hurts in the history, but I want to move past it. I do want to change and save my marriage and I know that it is something I can do. My problem is with apathy. In general. With what you say about food and health, I’m interested in what your take is on this. I’ve faced a few major health challenges the last few years and was finally diagnosed with a chronic disorder of the brain. But instead of being happy I found a diagnosis, I just dont want to try anymore. I find myself withdrawing from my husband even more, which is not what I know I should be doing. Physically sex is not at all pleasant for me and like you said emotionally I’m repulsed to be honest. I just don’t care about a lot of things anymore. Stuff I used to be interested in, stuff that used to bother me, stuff I was passionate about… it’s all gone. Something in me shut down. I am on an antidepressant but not sure if it’s helping or if that is even the issue. I want to work on my marriage to save it. But I don’t know how with everything else going on. I really want to change but not sure how to get there. I’m across a chasm and the bridge is out! I appreciate your input. Thanks!
Hi Jenna- Hmmm. My questions regarding the apathy. Did it come as a result of you receiving your diagnosis? It does not sound like the antidepressant is working so I would go back to your doctor to discuss. Have you tried exercise, yoga, meditation? Seeing a therapist?
Hi.. Please help.. I have three beautiful children a lovely home and wonderful husband.. I woke up two months ago feeling I didn’t love him anymore.. We’re together 10 years..im devasted.. I’m on antidepressants and of work.. I was diognosed with moderate depression so my emotions are everywhere.. I’m so worried.. I adored him until I woke up that morning my head was a mess and it was if I woke up a different person.. I tense up around him and get anxious.. What’s going on.. Thank you
Gillian- Please go back to your doctor and tell them you are feeling this way suddenly. Anti-depressants can help but they can also exacerbate symptoms. You need to go see someone right awqy. Please take care of yourself and let me know.
Hi I. I with feeling a bit better but still very anxious around him..he is sooo good and caring to me.. Im on tablets four weeks now I’m hoping they will help.. The same thing happened in two relationships and I felt the same and left.. I’ve had a lot going on the last seven years and deaths.. Could it be me and not him at all. I’m starting councilling next week x thanks
I can hug him and kiss him and love him but I have an awful sadness in my stomach all the time as o I think I don’t love him.. Is it the depression.. Thanks
Can someone really fall back in love with their spouse even if they claim they only see them as a friend now and nothing else? I wonder if I should hold on to my marriage or let my husband go because he’s so convinced he doesn’t love me as a wife anymore and hence won’t even reach out to hug me. We sleep on two ends of the bed and I’m afraid to even touch him lest he is repulsed by me. Is there hope really? We still confide in eachother and care for our child together as a unit but as partners in the other sense we are so disconnected now.
Yes, you can fall back in love IF YOU WANT TO. That is the biggest part of this. Wanting to and believing that you can. Much of it involves thinking back on what made you fall in love in the first place. Also appreciating all that you have together. Answering the question, what do I love about my life, what would I miss if I left? The process of falling back in love requires a lot of effort but it is well worth it if you have a good life together and a family.
I’m in a long distance marriage. We have never lived together as a married couple. The longest we’ve spent together in the last 3½ years is 3 weeks. About 80 days per annum. Our marriage is empty. The distance (and us personally) has killed the relationship. There is no passion. I do look at myself. Obviously not enough… He is a decent man. I just don’t know if I want to be married to him any longer. We have no kids and are both in our thirties. Any suggestions or thoughts? Desperate for any feedback.
You are in a very unusual and difficult situation. Is there any chance this distance will come to an end any time soon? If you were in a more normal marital relationship (ie. living together) do you think all would be fine? Has the distance created resentment? How does he feel? I have a lot of questions on this one!
I loved what you shared, especially about “We spend our life seduced by the outside world, convinced that happiness and suffering come from ‘out there.’ Yet happiness and suffering come from the way we perceive and interpret things, not the things themselves.” I’m going to combine it with what I’m doing http://bit.ly/2tofallinlovewithaman to improve my results.
Hi Cindy.
My husband and I met very young but he was a few years older than I. We’ve never really had true intimacy in the sense that I don’t think I was ever sexually attracted to him. Every time I slept with him it was more to please his needs. 15 years in we have just got married (didn’t have sex on honeymoon) and I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Now that I have matured and am not the teenager willing to do anything for her boyfriend. I don’t know if just friendship is enough to sustain a happy and healthy marriage. We have a great bond and have lots of laughs but I always feel this feeling in my gut that life for both him and I will only feel half fulfilled as we are both not getting our needs met. I love him so much but I don’t think any trick will get me to the attraction stage and it makes me feel panicky even thinking about stroking or kissing him. He thinks if I just try more it’ll all work out but it feels so forced and awful! Thanks!
Have you tried a sex therapist? There are deeper issues here and I have WAY too many questions to formulate any helpful advice. Friendship and bonding is something very important though. But that should lead to good sex, because ultimately, great sex involves intimacy, not just the physical act. Some of us have shame around sex, which causes all sorts of issues within our relationships. I would seek out a sex therapist before making any decisions.
Wow! Separation seemed like the only option for me. Great article!
The word “inspirational” is used far too often. Perfect for this blog though. It’s like it was written for my situation. Going through hell at the moment. My partner has lost love for me. I have two beautiful children. I cannot stomach the thought of waking up in a different house to them all every day, not sharing meals etc.
Thank you for the comment. I am so sorry for your pain and struggle right now. I wish there was something more I could do or say to help. Recovery is a long deliberate process. I wrote this blog (and im writing my book) to further elaborate on my journey back to my husband. It is possible to love again.
Hi Cindy,
My husband and I have been together for 33 years.. married for 26. We have two amazing children (adults), a beautiful home, lifestyle and jobs. For around 10 years now I feel that I’ve fallen out of love with my husband. I love and care for him but not in love with him. He has a very high sex drive and I have.. for a long time now.. had sex with him to please him. It makes me cringe when he touches me and I feel awful feeling like this. We’ve spoken alot recently about this.. he believes that sex is number one.. top of the list in marriage. I don’t agree with him, it’s not all about sex. We don’t argue, swear or shout at each other.. I feel like we are more like best friends and not lovers. He says his feelings for me haven’t changed.. It’s me. He says he feels almost abused, rejected, neglected because of me not wanting sex. We do hold hands, cuddle and have a peck on the lips. I just don’t love him in that way anymore and I’m afraid to hurt his feelings and hurt my children if we split up. I’m feeling sad and not sure what to do. He’s a good man and always has been. The love from me has gone. We’ve spoke about marriage and sexual counselling..
Please advise
Sounds very similar. Hard to give advice like this. Too many questions. There is no love? What is there then? Is there resentment? Anger, apathy, indifference? How did you get to this point? Did you once love him very much? Did you once have a good sex life? Sex is a very important part of a relationship. You must explore why you cringe. I remember feeling like it was just one more person wanting one more thing from me. I was already resentful that I felt like I did everything myself- all the child rearing, the housework, etc. So sex felt like one more obligation, one more thing where I gave and someone took. But that was an unhealthy mindset about sex, and it was less about the intimacy and more about my issues with giving and taking. I was a person who did it all, and never asked for help. I both prided myself on being super woman, and resented my husband for letting me be super woman. But really it was all about a give and take. I didn’t allow myself to need him, or ask him for help. That was too vulnerable a position for me. it takes vulnerability to need someone and rely on someone else. But if you cannot receive, you have a really hard time giving. So that interferes with a sex life too. It’s not the sex, it is something else…
Hi I’m with my partner 11 years we have 3 beautiful girls and a wonderful home. I’m suffering from depression since Sept. And feel my strong love is gone for my partner. It’s getting me down I love him but not sure if it’s enough. In time will it come back stronger. Thanks
Hi Mary- What are you doing for your depression? Love doesn’t just come back. Love is a verb. Ask yourself what you were doing when you did feel lots of love for your partner? Love is an action and it is deliberate. If you want it back you have to be intentional about getting it back!
Hi thanks for your reply. I’m on anti depressants. 4 months now.. I have a very busy life I work nights and im busy with kids all day there all still young. I was told by doctor I had a break down everything just caught up on me. I literally couldn’t get up one morning and my head was a mess.. I couldn’t even think straight. I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. And i suppose I targeted my partner. Was he the one who was making me unhappy? Then it just escaluated.. I was always very happy until this hit. I suppose I’m only learning about depression and how it makes you feel..I feel less love for people I love I don’t want to go anywhere. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I feel guilty of feeling this way when I’m have so much to be happy for.. it’s as if it has sucked the life and happiness out of me. He was always the one who made me feel so happy. But it’s gone now I’m afraid it’ll never return.. I hope I’m making sense x thank you x
Hi I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now. We do not have any kids. A few months ago I woke up with the thought that I do not love him anymore and now I just view him solely as a friend. My attraction and sexually attraction for him are completely gone. I feel like I’m kissing my brother. He has a very high sex drive and I have been avoiding sex. I get so anxious about it and have been making up excuses. It makes me cringe and is terrible. I’m scared of possibly looking elsewhere or doing something to hurt him. I really want to love him again but I’m not sure if it’s possible at this point. I feel myself pushing away and the only option I have is to leave. I feel as though I never really loved him like I should have from the beginning and now I’m stuck with my friend. I am just looking for some advice and hope that I can learn to love him again or at all.
Hi Sara-My gut feeling is that if you are feeling this way after 5 years together, and you are not married and you do not have children, then this relationship must not be right for you. I say this mainly because of one thing you shared. “I feel as though I never really loved him like I should have from the beginning.” THAT tells me everything. Almost every single person that I know that has ended up “happily” divorced, have told me that they “knew” or had an inkling that it wasnt right on their wedding day!! That is what was different for me. I knew that my husband and I once had a intensely healthy and loving relationship in the beginning. I do not want to tell you what to do but I will say, it is easier to move on now then after marriage and kids….
What do you do when you are the husband and your wife won’t read things like this? My wife and I had a long talk in January of this year and she has fallen out of love with me. We don’t have kids. We’ve been together ten years. She is my world. I’ve made a complete change and turn around and would do anything for her. I’ve lost 40lbs, I’m more attentive, I clean the house, I cook. But I can feel her trying to be in love but there’s zero spark left for her. I feel her repulsed by the idea of sex. We have barely touched each other in years. When she kisses me it’s to appease me. I’m not unattractive but I feel resentment has killed our relationship. I’m trying hard and I know she’s trying but my heart is broken at how much she disliked/dislikes me. She does not love herself and she’s unhappy with her body. But I don’t care, I love her completely and no matte what. I don’t even know what to do anymore.
Hi Tony – I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I give you so much credit for making the changes you have made already and working so hard for your marriage. The last few lines you wrote are everything. My assumption is that she blames you for her unhappiness? This is extremely common in relationships. We think the relationship or our partner is what makes us happy, but our happiness flows from what is going on inside of us. Self loathing, anger, disgust is projected outwards. She has to consciously choose to own that and change that. All you can do is ask her to read it, and continue to be patient. It is really hard to change someone else, so try to change the way you have engaged with her in the past. If you have been too nice and accommodating, then maybe you need to be more firm with boundaries. If you have been too firm, maybe you need to back off a little. Just try something different, because your behavior has become part of your pattern together, and given that you really cannot force her to change, you need to approach things differently if you stand a chance at shifting the paradigm between you. I hope that helps!
My husband cheated 5 years ago and i never dealt with it. Slowly depression overwhelmed me. I was looking into therapy and medications when he asked me to get help since we weren’t having sex. I talked to him about the depression and told him i would get help (and i did!). Two days later he was talking about divorce and completely shut me out. I got him to go to counseling, and after 3 sessions something clicked and we had 3 fantastic weeks (lots of sex and kissing and talking over dinner). THen things started to wane again. He says it shouldn’t be hard to love someone and he doesn’t feel passion towards me or from me. He has moved out and is asking for a divorce. I truly love him and i think he is going through a midlife crisis or has some resentment for my not being present in our marriage during my depression? I am just blown away as i think we have the best foundation for love of any couples i’ve read about! No children, no financial issues, we are equal partners financially, we don’t fight, we love spending time together going to movies, riding motorcycles, going to dinner, riding atv’s, going boating. We enjoy the same things. I have sent him numerous articles about getting back the love and passion, but if he reads them, he doesn’t let them sink in. Is there any hope?
Hi Jaime- I am sorry for what you are going through. There is always hope, but only when both people believe it can work and want it to work. That is where you may be falling short. It sounds as if he is moving away from the relationship. I would give him time and space. You can hope that he realizes how much you had and then wants to work for it. I know this is hard. You need to work on yourself right now. I hope that helps.
My wife of 22 years (+3 together) are about to separate. We are in IC and MC. She was diagnosed with depression and switched medication to great results…accept…she has acknowledged in sessions that I have really improved my 1/2 of the marriage and have owned up to what I contributed. She is owning up to how she interacted with me and how that could have led us to this point.
Here is the kicker, with all our self-improvement, acknowledgement of past communication issues and our working together to co-parent and having no problems coming up with our own separation plan, she has acknowledged her final issue, and it is a kicker (and she says insurmountable).
She has not had a physical attraction to me in 20 years. She absorbed her lack of desire for me as her problem. She is sitting her, in her 50’s, saying that she needs contact. She needs to feel attracted to me and that she doesn’t believe she can get it back. For 2 decades she felt nothing during sex. She feels no desire to even touch me casually.
She has listened to my arguments that we are just now understanding how we hurt each other and that there is intense therapy that can help couples develop a spark. At the end of the day, she just can’t believe that she can find feelings that have been gone for so long.
In your experience, is 20 years too long a time to rekindle that spark? She has admitted that she desires to have limerance again, not with a specific person, but with someone and that she can’t imagine ever getting that feeling with me. Am I kidding myself? If it has been gone for so long, is there are real chance? I am looking for a good news story, something to grasp onto.
She is truly struggling with separation or divorce. It all comes down to, “is this it, can I live with this for the rest of my life?” All other issues we have acknowledged and are working on to success, not the big hurdle is something she believes no therapy can help. BTW, she also doesn’t want to spend time researching or investigating this. She is struggling with herself and our IC and MC will not tell her (or me) that intimacy can be rekindled until AFTER she makes the decision to try.
It sounds as if you have made progress in lots of areas. I believe if you once had the spark, you can get it back. I also believe sex/intimacy is very personal/individual. I am amazed by how few people have good sex lives. I am amazes by how many people feel much shame around sex. Just like any part of our relationships, sex/intimacy takes work and openness, and many marriages suffer in this area because of long held beliefs about sex. My recommendation would be a sex therapist….
I feel very overwhelmed and don’t know where to even start to make our life better. My husband loves me, our family and life. I am very certain I hate him. Our youngest graduate high school in 3 years and I have been counting down to freedom and having my life back for years. I don’t know where to start to fix me and my unhappiness. Years of resent and anger have turned to hate I am certain. I have tried over and over to change and accept him for who he is. He is a hard worker, committed and great man. He has no flaws other than he only has to wake up,go to work and worry about himself. I take care of every aspect of our lives. There is no magic, no fun, I am not even certain that he cares about having sex.this is his happily ever after. Countless arguments and fights over the same thing, my unhappiness ( brought on by me of course because he says he’s happy) I want a life with him. I want to go to dinner, movies,walks have adventures with him. I want to feel like I am loved by him, not just a fixture in our house. I don’t know where to even begin to change or fix this. I feel like I have wasted 20 years of my life looking for something that is never there. Your blog made me finally feel like I am not crazy. I just don’t know how to get to where you are.
Hi Amy- The good news is that you want all the right things with him, intimacy, dates, walks, adventures etc. My obvious question is does he not want to do those things? Have you ever had these things within your relationship? I do not think you are asking for anything that would not make you both really happy!
This made me feel very sad for you. I am writing that genuinely. And also sad for your husband who lives with the knowledge you had to daily affirm yourself into feeling emotion for him. I hope that women and men who read this who aren’t fulfilled, but fill pressure to stay in unfulfilling situations do additional work and research to combat the guilt and conflict this article may produce in them. I am not divorced and not on my way to being divorced, but I have witnessed friends make this heart wrenching decision (never lightly) and it’s a very difficult – esp. when children are involved. I applaud women (and men) who make this very hard choice and work incredibly hard to carry out in the most planned way to help their children through this transition. If this genuinely worked for you and you have convinced yourself of your contentment that is great, but please be aware of the negative feelings simplifying this to a ‘decision’ creates- even if it is unintended. Words are powerful and generalizing ones own fringe experience can produce terrible feelings in people making this difficult move. Additionally articles like this can be used as a tool and arsenal by the person in the relationship who doesn’t want the relationship to end. The world is a complex place – as are relationships. I hope you read this in the constructive way this is intended.
Hi Lucy- I completely understand, and I am sorry that my blog and experience does not sit well with you. My intention is not to shame anyone about their own personal experience, my intention is to merely share mine. I too have close friends who are divorced, two of which went through their divorces while I was picking up the pieces of my marriage. Both have read these blogs, and my book, and they completely support me and my story, as I do them, and theirs.
But I do assure you that my decision was just that, a choice I made to love my husband again. No, the love did not miraculously reappear in a moment, it had to be cultivated again. It required work, just like all good relationships. I made that decision to love my husband again, after 10 years of choosing not to love him. I chose to be angry for 10 years of my marriage instead. All choices. That is what our lives are, a series of decisions. Even when something happens to us that is beyond our control, we choose how we will deal with that experience. Love is a verb, that is what we get wrong. Love is not about falling or finding, it is about creating and deciding. So you can decide to love again, if that is what you want and your spouse is worth the effort. You can also decide to separate, or divorce. And you may make the choice to divorce because your spouse is a complete a-hole, or an alcoholic, or a gambler, or a cheater, or a Trump supporter (lol). I chose to love my husband again, because underneath all of our mistakes and pain, he was a decent human, that I had once loved with all my heart. So I worked my bum off to recreate myself, and my relationship.
Anyway, thank you for your constructive criticism, I do realize that my story can trigger different reactions depending on how the blog makes them feel, and I cannot change how someone else chooses to take or react to my story. Again, it was never my intention to make anyone feel guilty or bad. We just all have to remember that other people’s stories are other people’s stories, and understand if we get defensive, we can learn a lot about ourselves from our reaction.
Hi Cindy,my husband forward your blog to me. I think its AMAZING what you wrote. I feel exactly what you felt and you had made an amazing powerful decicion, …which i at the moment i dont see any reasons why i need to make the same decision like you…although I KNOW…that is the RIGHT thing to do . I need your help…can i write you by email?
Yes, you may email me. The best way to not end up in my junk folder is to email me through the contact menu bar on my website. https://www.cindycarbone.com/contact/
Love this… very good kick in the pants that I needed. Where can I get your book?
Just hiring an editor now. Hoping to have it self published by the fall! I can tell you can fix your relationship just by your response. You can add your name to my “book interest” list on my website under the blog. and as soon as it is released I will share it with the list.
Hi Cindy,
I am hoping you can help. My partner of almost 3 years and I are currently in the process of separating. We have a 9 month old son. I too have been in a place for some time of resentment. I see a lot of traits of my partner as a narcissist, egotistic etc. But in the beginning I loved this confidence. The cocky banter etc. we were playful. I now find myself in a space where he grates on me constantly, and every time we argue I find myself thinking ‘we are fundamentally different, this won’t work’.
We have very different interests, different core values etc and as a result for a long time I have felt we are incompatible. However it has become apparent I have shut down. I am a highly affectionate and emotional person but I no longer say I love you. No longer touch him (unless he initiates). We have bland meaningless conversation when I long for depth and meaning (though he has never been ‘deep’ so to speak).
We don’t have sex. On the odd occasion we did, it felt flat, and awkward. We have both admitted we are both strangely awkward when it comes to this.. I wonder if this has been a root cause of the degradation of our relationship…
Through the separation process he has been so kind and understanding despite how much i can see him hurting. And I find myself wondering if this is what I really want. Especially as the last thing I wanted was to have a broken family for my son.
I feel so confused as to whether I genuinely do what to try and reconcile or if this is out of the fear and hurt I am currently dealing with as we separate. I just don’t want to find myself back at square one if we try again and it still doesn’t work… but equally don’t want to throw it away if it is salvageable and I can love him again. Any advice or insight from you would be really appreciated
Hi Tay-
You are on the right track in terms of your thinking. Same values are important. Character is important. The fact that you have never really felt like you were compatible says a lot. If he is indeed a narcissist, that’s not a good trait, but it depends on the extent of it. I literally just finished self publishing my book. It is a very quick and easy read. You can find it in the link below in both ebook and paperback, it may help. If nothing else, it will show you my thought process, help you if you want to make it work, and help you get in right frame of mind if you come to decide that divorce is the best choice for you. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1698344414 Best of luck to you.
Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it
I don’t know if I can make it work. I’m just so angry and tired.
I feel like the future me is writing this – thank u! Very helpful!
Is that a good thing? Did you see the book is available if you want more details! https://www.amazon.com/How-Stopped-Hating-My-Husband-ebook/dp/B07YYMBMQL
This is an amazing blog and a wonderful story…but I do have a question…what about for those people who were never in love with their spouse? What if they married for the wrong reasons? Is it possible for them to develop feelings that were never there in the first place?
Thank you for your kind words. Never in love and married for wrong reasons was not my story. However, love is a verb, and a choice. It all depends on whether or not you WANT to love your spouse. All of those intense passionate feelings in the beginning of our relationships fade after about 2 years no matter what, that chemical reaction is biology, not love. What we end up with (after all the crazy hormone stages)in a healthy relationship is a connection, a bond. You can have all those hormones in very unhealthy relationships too! I talk about the biology of love at the beginning of my book. So, if your husband is a good human that you want to love, I would say, yes, you can love him if you work at it. There is a lot to consider though. I could go on and on with this, but that is why I wrote my book. You should check it out, it may not solve your problems completely, but it will probably give you more clarity and ideas. https://amzn.to/2LpN1WW Let me know if it helps. Good luck. Cindy
I really enjoyed this blog. I have been married for 22 years and I feel like I have lost all connection to my husband. I have had disdain, disrespect, no affection. I have been going to therapy for OCPD and trauma. I feel like I’m in this place that I get to choose. My husband has put up with a lot and has every right to leave me. He said he is giving me space to make my own choice. I feel like I get annoyed with every little thing he does. I feel like I would do that with anyone I would meet. We have a wonderful family and I don’t want to lose that. I want to fall back in love. This blog really helped to put things into perspective for me.
Hi Jen- I am glad the blog helped you. My book is out and it is a really easy read and it may give you some new ideas and practical steps to work your way back to your husband. Here is the link.
https://amzn.to/2NW0vLN
Hi Cindy
This is by far the best blog i have come across on this topic .
I have been married for 10 years . I dont love him anymore the way i used to . Problem is I am not attracted to him sexually . On the other hand my sex desire has increased significantly since i have crossed my 30. I want to have sex but not with him .
We are good overall. But i feel unfulfilled and depressed.
And i feel guilty for not giving him enough intimacy/sex .
Is there a way to Feel attraction for my husband again ?
This is a difficult question to answer. Did you ever have good sex with your husband? If so, when? What has changed? Have you ever thought of going to a sex therapist?
I have been with my partner for 35 years married for 30, we have been struggling for a few years, I have asked for him to come out on the odd occasion with me,I have met new friends he is very jealous and nasty about them so he is pushing me away, we don’t have sex he is just comfortable,we don’t argue just nitpick at each other,I would of loved to of been with him forever he is so set in his ways, he will not change we both want different things, I have tried I have lost respect for him I don’t love him, we have been separated for 6 weeks now I’m devastated it’s ended like this but it has got to be both of us that wants to try, I have been trying but maybe not enough reading this ,how do you manage to get the respect back and love for someone specially if you don’t like the person and his ways and they don’t want to change.
Debbie-
I am sorry for your pain, I know it is really hard. You are not expected to love or respect him if he does not show you love or respect. This is not something you can do alone. He has to be willing to communicate and do the work. Even when both parties are ready and willing to do the work, it takes time and it is really hard. Go easy on yourself. Everyone’s situation is different. In my situation, my husband was an ass, but then he changed and I refused to forgive for YEARS. And in my situation, we both worked our butts off to create a great marriage again, and it took a long time to let go and break free from the resentment that enveloped me for years. My recommendation, if you are sad and wonder if you could do more, is this. Communicate with him, be honest about how you feel. Be open, if you have not tried this already. If he gives you nothing in return, you know your answer. You cannot fix this without his engagement. Good luck.
Hi Cindy, me and my partner have been together for 6 years now. We shared deep love for each other but we had many miscommunications and pains over the years and I felt like he wasn’t fully available to me. So I believe that made me shut down and detach. I expressed how I felt and he made significant changes. He is loving, caring, affectionate and altogether a decent person – he is loyal, trustworthy, committed, hard-working. So I do like him a lot and I think I wouldn’t look for other traits in another partner. I wanted to ask you do you think I can work on my relationship and fall back in love and get that connection back?
YES! love is a verb not a feeling, it’s an action. If you want to love him again and work to love him again, you will create love again. Get my book! Quick, easy read that walks through what I did And what I learned About falling in love again.
Thank you Cindy! You’re journey into self discovery has been eye opening and truly inspiring. I read and loved your book.
I wanted to ask you one more thing: when did the attraction and noticing others start to fade? I know that I need to be focusing on loving and NOT not noticing others, but it really bums me out when I do.
Hi Mary!
It goes away in time. That void inside that makes you crave that ‘feeling’ gets filled after you’ve done your work to change yourself and your relationship. You learn that love is in fact a verb- it’s work. And the more you work for it, the greater that love becomes. The interest in other people, well that’s not real, that’s not work- it’s a feeling, often times a drug like feeling on the onset. We mistake that for ‘love,’ and it’s not. Once you create and work for love again, you fill that void that seeks external validation. Hope that helps.
Cindy
Wow, thank you Cindy. I truly admire your wisdom and determination. You are an inspiration.
I want to work on my marriage but husband doesn’t. We are good friends. Any suggestions on how I could work on the relationship so he could maybe consider?
Focus on what you have-history, family, friendship. Talk to him about why he would not want to try to make it work.
Hi Cindy,
6 months ago I made a couple of mistakes that made me so angry with myself and very anxious. One was returning a ring my lovely husband bought me for our 20th anniversary. It was so expensive and I knew I wouldn’t wear it. I know that sounds so selfish and spoilt but I didn’t want to upset him by not wearing it after he had spent so much money. He gave me the ring just after we returned 2 sofas we had bought but were too uncomfortable and small for the room. We had both picked them but I wanted to return them more than him as they weren’t right. We lost £400 on the sofas and I was feeling so bad about that so when he gave me the ring apart from it not being my type I actually really felt I didn’t deserve it. So my anxiety spiralled out of control and I felt really terrible about behaving so badly. So to exacerbate the situation I had an intrusive thought that said, “ I shouldn’t worry anymore as I don’t really love him anyway!” Well that was the last straw for my anxiety. It spiralled completely out of control and now I’ve been off work for 6 months and on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. I’m seeing a CBT therapist and am having psychiatric advice too. I have analysed the thought so much now that at times I feel it is true and I need to leave him as it is so unfair to stay.
He is the most loveliest, loyal, talented, kindest man and the best dad to our 3 teenage sons. Before all the above happened we were deliciously happy. Now My anxiety is relentless and I find it so hard to have peace as I’m constantly analysing my love for him. My hair is thinning, my chest aches, my digestion system is out of sync and I have lost so much weight. I’m permanently exhausted from all the stress. I don’t want to leave him and the boys at all but I’m barely functioning and just feel so desperate that at times I have had suicidal thoughts as the pain and suffering is just unbearable. But I know I can’t do that as I couldn’t bear to leave them. I’m just so desperate to retrieve the loving feelings I have always had for him. If you can advise in anyway I would be so eternally grateful. Many, many thanks.
Hi Cindy, I loved your honesty in your blog. I’m currently struggling with an intrusive thought I had 7 months ago when I was feeling really low about returning a ring my lovely husband bought me for our 20th wedding anniversary. It wasn’t a problem returning it and he didn’t mind at all but I felt really dreadful, spoilt and ungrateful about it but I knew I wouldn’t wear it and as it was so expensive I didn’t want to leave it in a box. After a few days of no sleep, extreme anxiety I had an awful thought at work out of nowhere that ,‘I Should not worry about the ring as I don’t really love him anyway”. Well this has just sent my anxiety spiralling out of control and I’ve been really struggling ever since. I’m on antidepressants, seeing a therapist, on sleep meds, lost loads of weight, hair thinning etc. He is the kindest, loveliest, most fantastic Dad ever but somehow my anxiety is screaming at me that I don’t love him and I need to leave him and our 3 teenage sons. I’m in a terrible place and haven’t been able to work now for nearly 6 months. I have developed OCD over the whole situation.
Before the ring incident we were both so happy and loving life. I am normally really bubbly and very positive but I feel totally broken and simply just want my loving feelings to return and get my old life back again. My children know their mum is sick and my husband is just losing patience now with me not being able to function and be my normal self. Although he is very concerned. I would greatly appreciate any advice you may have as I don’t want to leave my lovely home but I can’t cope with this much longer. Many, many thanks.
Hi! I wish I knew your name. I am not going to be much help here. I just wanted to thank you for reaching out and tell you that the thought you had about your husband that made you spiral like this, is not an unusual thought! So many of us question our love for our spouse at different points in time over the course of our marriage. Please give yourself grace, and know that thoughts are just that, thoughts, not truths! I am happy you are seeing a therapist, if that therapist is not helping find another one. I am not a licensed professional so I refrain from giving advice except to continue to see a professional to work through this. I wish you strength, clarity and patience in working through this difficult time.
Cindy
I’ve had to read this and the comments a few times. (and the previous article you recommended).
My question is, I have made a commitment and a covenant with my husband and my God. So I’m not leaving. But what if I realize now that I’m older, and it’s taken me so long to figure out, that I just don’t like many things that he does? Yes he’s a decent human being and is a great provider and has always been faithful. He has tons of amazing traits. But the little things that you have to live with every day are what is getting to me. It might sound small but it adds up. The way he eats. His sarcasm. What he finds funny. What he likes to do for entertainment. How critical he can be. How he has never been outwardly affectionate unless sex is involved. And so very many more. Just straight up personality traits that might not bother anybody else but I realize I just don’t like one bit. It sounds super petty. But how do you deal with that? Is that something that could even be turned around? I can forgive bad behavior. But what about behavior that just annoys the crap out of me? That’s not something that needs to be forgiven. It has to be tolerated or lived with. How do you embrace it? I really do want to try. I just don’t know if it’s even possible. And yes sidenote, I totally understand that he could be looking at me the same way. I’m not sitting here thinking I am all that. It’s just taken me a long time to realize that if I were younger and dating him and was more mature and paid attention, I probably wouldn’t have married him. I would’ve respected and admired the positive traits I do see, but realize that someone else might be much better fit to actually live with. But as a Christian, this is who I am married to so my belief is I need to make it work. He has done nothing to give me cause to leave. I only have a few decades left on this earth, I don’t want to live it resentful and bitter, tired and indifferent. Love to hear any advice on this.
Michele here again… After reading my own note I realize I make it sound like it’s just about eating or TV choices… Obviously it’s not. There’s always a deeper meaning. Sarcasm can lend itself to not be able to have meaningful conversations. A critical spirit lends itself to not wanting to open up. And of course the dreaded sex discussion… If he’s critical or sarcastic I’m not interested in having sex. If I’m not interested in having sex he’s resentful that I’m not interested so then I have to try to show interest even when I’m not which feels fake which separates us even more. Lots of layers.
Hi Michelle-
I don’t think you sound petty at all. What you’re experiencing is something most of us experience. When we first fall in love, all those little annoying things are nothing to us, we overlook them because we are overwhelmed with all those love chemicals. Over time, that changes. Add resentment for whatever reason and those little things are magnified 1000 times! Trust me, when I am not getting along with my husband, everything about him drives me crazy! And when we are getting along, those things are not on my radar. There is never going to be a person you live with, day in and day out that will not annoy you at times. So the question is more about character, what you have in common, do you both want similar things, can you grow together, do you laugh together, can you communicate etc. My recommendation, go to marriage counselor. Also, and please don’t take any offense to this, but stop saying you will stay with him because of your Christian beliefs. While that mindset may help in that it creates real effort on your part, it also can make you feel trapped, like you ultimately have no agency over your own life, and that feeling is going to create more resentment. I am a huge proponent of marriage and commitment, but not if it means you’re miserable for the rest of your life. Let your faith guide you in your efforts to mend your relationship but don’t let your faith steal your freedom to make choices in this life. That’s my two pennies, remember I am not a licensed therapist, I am working with maybe 250 words of your story, and first and foremost, I recommend seeing someone that can hear your entire story and work with both of you. Thanks for the comment. Good luck. Cindy
How long did it take to fall back in love with him? I’m am going through this exact same thing right now with my marriage. I want to save it for my kids and because we have such a long history together… I have just some how fallen out of love with my husband and it sucks. I am however in love with someone else but I’m trying to do the right thing and make my marriage better. Thank you for sharing your story:)
It took at least 8 months for me to feel more at ease in my relationship, like it was turning around and I had let go all the resentment that had built up. I started noticing I liked to sit closely on the couch with him, or hold his hand, things that my anger did not allow for before. My armor fell off at that point, which then allowed for a different relationship.
In terms of this other person that you feel strongly for. I highly recommend you understand the stage of love which I talk about in my book, or you can google. I also highly recommend you think long and hard about what life would look like if you left your husband for this man. It is easy to get caught up in the chemicals that consume our bodies and minds when we first fall in love, but these feelings go away in time. So you have to have the ability to imagine life without those feelings. Really ask yourself if this person has the qualities that you want in a partner. Divorce is hard, combining families is hard. You are forever tied to your husband through your children. I remember thinking a lot about divorce and a future without my husband. I imagined us both getting remarried and what that would look and feel like in terms of my kids. I thought about my kids future lives, weddings, grandkids and how that would look and feel. These are really important things to consider. My ability to imagine this alternative future stopped me from making emotional and impulsive choices.
I say all of this to people, again, who are married to decent human beings, who have fallen out of love or into resentment due to normal marital phases. I want to help encourage people to stay in relationships that were once really good, that were generally healthy, where both people are decent. I by no means want to encourage people to stay in marriages that are abusive and toxic, this is why I told my whole story in my book. I wanted to differentiate relationships and people. Some marriages are worth saving, some are not, and it is up to you to know the difference. Like I say in the book, ask someone close to you and your marriage, friends and family are often objective and can see you two clearly. I knew if I had asked my friends or family if I should leave, they would think I was crazy.
Anyway, I hope that helps.
Cindy
I love.your brutal honesty. Like a loving slap to the face. Refreshing and exactly what I needed to read.
Lol. Thanks. Happy to help.
This is such a well rounded article and has completely encompassed the struggles associated with a disintegrating marriage. Your advice is incredibly helpful and I really hope it can help save my own marriage. Of all the sites I have visited, this has to be the most helpful and has given me the drive to help turn my own predicament around for the sake of our 3 kids.
I am so glad my story helped you. I wish you and your family the best.
This article changed my life. Thank you!!
Happy to hear that. You’re very welcome!
thanks for the article, I’ve read many similar and they all say the same thing ….”remember why you fell in the love in the first place” and I am STUCK, I can’t remember why other than arbitrary things like…..he had great friends and family, he was going to be a good provider, we had similar values…..
any tips on triggering my memory. He’s a great guy but when the phone rings or the door opens, my heart sinks NOT soars
Hi! If all you remember is you had similar values and he would be a good provider I wonder if you ever felt madly in love with him? You don’t remember wanting to be together all of the time? You don’t remember feeling like you wanted to stay in bed all day together? You don’t remember that drugged up feeling of passion and new love? That being said, having the same values and wanting similar things in life IS very important. There are plenty of people who have tons of chemistry but have nothing in common, and thats not good either. You should have had both! I don’t know how to trigger your memory, it should be there, available to you if you want to think about it!
What would be your advice for being morally in different places as well? For instance him and his friends sending videos of naked women back and forth nonstop or jokes about cheating and it hurts me deeply but he won’t stop bc he doesn’t want to seem like “the weird one” to his friends?
Totally NOT cool. That is not acceptable behavior at all. He can very easily ask to not be part of those exchanges out of respect for you.
I feel silly writing this but there’s always a back story. I was molested as a child- no therapy…they didn’t do that back then, just sweep it under the rug. Lost my mother to suicide when I was 17. Sexually assaulted at knifepoint at 21, he broke into the house where I was staying. I married the 1st person that came along because I was dying for some stability. Big mistake. My first divorce. In my late twenties I fell head over heels in love, if there were “soulmates” he was the one. Until he ran off with my girlfriend. It took me 10+ yrs to get over him. Suffice it to say I’m not a trusting person, But…in 2011 I met a lovely man in Starbucks of all places…I was NOT looking for love. But I fell again & felt he was a most trustworthy partner. He talked me into it & we married in 2014 & just after our 1st anniversary I found some texts with a woman…they weren’t sexual but there was something there. He had a crush on her? I don’t know because as all men do he just played dumb. I told him right then that he’d ruined everything & I would never look at him or respect him as I did before. Last year they came up again & I told him I HAD to have the truth. Still playing pretty dumb. I am not in love with him anymore but I WANT TO BE. I want to love him more than anything. Other that this issue, he is an amazing husband. I am on disability & he happily waits on me hand & foot. The only thing I can say is that because of all of the hurts in my past I probably wasn’t the best person to do this to. I don’t know how to get over it. I have contemplated terrible things…for me not him. Every night I beg God to help me, I believe He can but it’s just not happening.
I apologize for writing this small novel there are just so many pieces. I am so lost.
Melanie- PLEASE seek help from a therapist. You have a lot to work through, and need and deserve the support of a professional.Thank you for sharing.
cindy
Hi Cindy,
Thank you for your article! It made me think long and hard… I have been married for 7 years now (no kids) and my husband and I have been through so much together. I used to love him so much that I couldn’t bear to be away from him for even a few hours. However over the years he has begun to nitpick and complain about me so much that it has been making me feel bad. I do the best I can around the house and try to do everything I can for him which has probably spoilt him. Now he expects me to do everything and he always complains if somethings not done right. He works. I work 2 jobs, study, and run the house too. I go to the gym and workout to stay in shape and look good but he always calls me fat and doesn’t even consider that I’m trying to get fit. He’s even called me a barrel in front of our friends. When the nitpicking started I should probably have nipped it in the bud but I didn’t really mind it so much until it got much worse. I’ve asked him several times not to do it and we’ve had a couple of minor arguments about it. He picks on my hair, my teeth, my fat, pretty much everything.
Last week, he started doing this again and then I asked him very calmly not to do it because it spoils my confidence and lowers my self esteem. Then something unexpected happened. He started telling me that he will stop it if I change myself. When I asked him what he wants me to change he said I don’t do housework properly and I always wait for him to tell me what to do… this isn’t exactly true however. Then he started saying I don’t take care of myself and I wear the same old clothes. I told him that I was gonna buy some new clothes from my next pay because we r saving up money for my college fees and that’s more important for me than clothes. After all, we’re in this country because of my student visa. I have never nitpicked him like he does me,but I admit that there may be things about me that annoy him. But at least I don’t abuse him emotionally.
Then he said he’s sick of his life and he doesn’t want to be healthy anymore and it doesn’t make a difference whether I leave him or not… I told him that I was really happy the last few weeks and I thought he was too. Then he said that he was just pretending to be. I have lost my feelings and I’m like a zombie now. I used to be a really happy person until this argument. I used to sing and dance around the house and have fun with him… now I feel like my happiness has been completely killed. It’s been a week now and I’m back to sleeping outside on the couch… I just don’t know how things are gonna go from here and I don’t know what to do.
He said he can’t believe that we worked so hard to come to this country and live like this. I was so hurt. I slept on the couch in the living room for 4 nights after that because I felt so sad and didn’t want to go to the room.
Afterwards I think he felt bad and bought me pizza and tried to fix things but I was not feeling it. I went back to the room but I slept only 2 nights there. Then I told him not to get upset but that I need to sleep outside for a while and he was ok with that. He has started cooking for himself and he asked me not to cook which I appreciate… I don’t know what happened to me but I don’t feel like sleeping next to him anymore or even looking at him. What if we get back together and this happens again… what am I going to do then… I do care for him still but I’m not sure if I love him like I used to. I know you can’t really tell me what to do but I would really appreciate any advice I could get… I can’t imagine divorcing especially because that’s something unheard of in my culture… also if I divorce him he might return home because he’s here with me as my dependent on a dependent visa. He did say that he would go home because there’s no point being here if we r not together.. I don’t love myself… and. I don’t even know who I am anymore and what I want from life.
Nadia-
Thank you for sharing your story. I am not ever comfortable giving advice like this because no one can sum up their entire relationships dynamic in one message. I would advise that you listen to your gut and that you not be afraid of leaving a relationship or person that is not good for you. I am not in favor of people staying in marriages that are toxic or harmful, that is not my message. You have every right to leave a person who does not treat you well. I think you know that answer. If you are confused, seek out a professional therapist. Good luck.
Cindy
Thanks for your advice Cindy. He’s leaving me now actually. He said he will move out soon… through all of this I find myself feeling worried and hoping that he will be ok. It’s so hard to get over 7 years of memories… and the worst part is that he doesn’t realize what I’m saying, he thinks that I suddenly changed overnight and that things that didn’t bother me all these years are suddenly bothering me now… I don’t know how to make him reason and he doesn’t even want to let me talk… he asked me to let him go so I said yes ok I’m letting u go…