This is a story about the lies we tell ourselves in order to resist change. And it is a story about how our emotional state is where truth and harmony are found.
Ten years ago I was a completely different person than I am today.
Growing up, I was always a good girl. I did what I was told, I followed conventional and cultural rules. I listened to my parents, my teachers, my coaches, my clergy, and the customs dictated to me by society.
To be happy and successful, I needed to follow all cultural norms. I needed to participate in extracurricular activities and get good grades at school. I needed to go to college, then get a great job, get married, and have kids.
That is what a successful life looked like in my world.
And I did all the right things, in exactly the right time frame.
It wasn’t until I had kids that my life was thrown completely off course. And it wasn’t until 10 years after having those kids that I finally learned the difference between being and becoming.
I was always “type A” – impeccably organized, efficient, prompt, resourceful, neat, and effective. I never procrastinated. I never missed a meeting, a phone call, or a workout.
I prided myself on these personality traits that proved to be invaluable to every aspect of “cultural” success.
But while my intense focus gave me everything I thought I wanted, and everything society told me I needed, it robbed me of joy, relaxation, grace, creativity, love, well-being, overall peace, and so much more.
And when I entered a whole new phase of life called motherhood, my culturally perfect world came crashing down, leaving all my internal emotional voids fully exposed.
I treated motherhood like a job. And in this new job, I was forced to become flexible with my schedule, and that required patience. At the time, I said that i was “learning to be more flexible and patient,” but in reality I hated it when my schedule was messed up, and my “patience” just morphed into frustration.
I didn’t get on the floor to play with my kids very often, but dammit that floor was clean.
I didn’t laugh much, but my kids were bathed every night, fed healthy meals every day, and their clothes were organized and neatly put away.
I was a hard working, diligent mom. The kids were well taken care of, and I ran a tight ship with my to do list in hand. And I made sure that I gave them all the culturally accepted experiences as it pertained to their development.
Baby Einstein. Check! Gymnastics. Check! Soccer. Check! Playdates. Check! An accredited preschool. Check!
Once again I did everything that i was supposed to do.
But I wasn’t fun or funny. I wasn’t playful. I wasn’t creative or spontaneous. I rarely laughed, danced, or ran around playing hide and seek. And I pretty much hated my husband.
And that is when following all the rules, and trying to be perfect, finally took its toll on me, and my family.
Deep down inside, I felt ashamed for not enjoying motherhood enough. I felt ashamed that my marriage sucked, and that I resented my husband. I felt ashamed that I was miserable and ridiculously uptight.
I felt deep shame, but you know what? Being a creative, spontaneous, fun loving and relaxed mother just “wasn’t me.”
It just wasn’t who I was. I was great at the work stuff. And all those creative moms that seemed to enjoy their kids had messy houses. They didn’t have dinner on the table every night, and they probably had laundry piled to the ceiling. So I deserve some credit. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I was doing the best I could with my God given talents. Right?
WRONG. I was so, so, so, so wrong about everything!!!
That was the story I told myself for years. As if I didn’t have the ability to be different. As if I was a fixed or permanent predisposed robot incapable of becoming a better version of me.
As if my shame, guilt, resentment, and frustration were not signs that I was completely out of alignment with myself.
In reality that emotional state was my SOS. It was a bright red and orange fiery flair gun being triggered inside of me.
Our emotions tell us everything about our internal state, and our resistance to the change we need to make to ourselves and our lives.
“This is just the way I am. This is how I have always been.”
Those are our excuses! They are outright lies. They are the stories that we use to avoid our growth and evolution as human beings.
We tell ourselves that is isn’t our fault, so that we can stay within our familiar, albeit miserable, comfort zones.
When we focus on BEING, we will never have to, or choose to, BECOME.
Because becoming is hard.
Becoming shatters our identity.
Becoming means letting go of long held stories and beliefs.
Becoming means intentionally cultivating the life experience we want every single day of our lives instead of blaming outside forces or others for our lack.
I am, two of the most powerful words, for what I put after them shapes my reality.
I AM creative now. I take really cool pictures of my food, and I have an enormous appreciation for art and nature. Both of which, the old me never even stopped to notice. The old me was too busy mindlessly going through life, checking everything off her to-do list.
I AM a cook now. I make beautiful plant based meals that taste delicious. That food I prepare is an act love towards myself, and my family.
I am an innovator now. I help people change their thinking, their beliefs and their emotional state, so that they can get unstuck, and live inspired lives of growth and transformation.
And I am FUN now. I dance and sing with my kids. I act goofy. I share silly jokes. I play (this picture is of me jumping off a rock in my home town Marblehead). I flirt with my husband.
I am more patient. I am more relaxed. I am aware and conscious of myself. I don’t stress out about first world problems, and I protect my emotional state like it is my life, because it is.
I am gentler, more forgiving, and more generous. I believe in abundance, not scarcity. I know that love, empathy, and bravery are the emotions that connect us to the divine.
Most of all, I feel joyful and grateful. And I know that I can do, and become, anything I desire.
They say 80% of people never change their lives.
The truth of the matter is that 80% of people refuse to change their identity. Identity is the strongest force in any human being. With our identity comes labels, lifelong stories, and beliefs about ourselves. Most of these stories and beliefs are not supported in facts and most come from outside forces, things we were told by parents, teachers, coaches, clergy and culture at a young age.
I have news for you. You have used your limiting beliefs, and your stories to block your personal growth and evolution for years. You can continue to double down on your identity, and ignore your emotional distress signals, or you can become exactly who you want to be.
If you need help, that is why I am here. To empower people to become.